Domestic Violence/abuse is the patterned behavior in which an
individual inflicts harm-physical, sexual, emotional and verbal harm-on their
spouse. In today’s society, domestic violence continues to grow and spread
slowly like a dangerous bacteria. However many people believe that domestic
violence comes from one “form”; large, burly or male. Weird as it may sound: There is a stereotype surrounding domestic
abuse. Majority of us believe that in an abusive relationship, the larger, more
masculine counterpart is the cause of this violence.
Let’s pause for a moment and think. When you first read “Domestic
Abuse”, what was the first mental image that you got? Was it a man abusing a
woman? I’ll be honest and say that I too received a similar mental image. The below
picture is a screenshot I took of Google images when I searched “domestic abuse”.
90% of the pictures were either of bruised women or of a man about to hurt a
woman.
Yes it’s true that in domestic violence, women are mostly the ones
that are being hurt. However, men can
also be abused. There have been countless cases of men being abused by
their female spouse, yet people would be more concerned about the wife compared
to the husband. This is due to the way our society has portrayed domestic
violence. Society makes it appear as though men are the ones causing pain onto their spouses. Even leaving the boundary of domestic violence, abusive sexual behavior is almost always linked towards a male perpetrator. Below is a gif of actual video evidence that shows how a woman can abuse a man for sexual desires.
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Even if we focus on same-sex couples, the spouse that appears larger and more masculine will be questioned/interrogated. We need to understand that gender and size do not contribute to abuse. Behavior and actions are the reasons why so many individuals have felt threatened by their intimate partners.
Now I will share the story that had originally inspired me and helped me escape my ignorance in domestic violence. A man shared a post on the famous social media site tumblr on how he was being abused and threatened by his wife. He took pictures and posted them as proof to show what she did to him. He talks about how size and gender do not matter when in a case of domestic violence. He said in his post "
Abusers come in all sizes and genders.
She and I went to a half dozen therapists over the years. At each initial session, every therapist took a look at me, then at her (5’4” 150 lbs.). Then he or she would gravely ask my wife, “Do you feel safe?”
None ever thought to ask me."
(You can find the full post here http://an0m0ly.tumblr.com/post/8309236833, read under the subheading Damage)
- Why do we, as a society, always presume that the men (or masculine figures in a relationship) are the ones responsible for the abuse?
- What can we do to stop stereotypes in domestic violence?
Work Cited:
Gif taken from http://sonotaghostkid.tumblr.com/post/43615939108/letitfuckingsnow-spazztastikim
Picture of man and quote taken from http://an0m0ly.tumblr.com/post/8309236833
Heeeey Uzma. I'm not gonna lie and say that i thought of women abusing men cause i really didn't. I only pictured a male individual beating his wife or girlfriend or family member (see what society has done to me :P). As for your questions i am more than happy to answer them in my own opinion (don't have a choice haha). As far as your first question is concerned, in my own opinion believe that society only blames the male figure in the relationship because even though society has changed over the decades the beliefs and ideas of men being superior and females being inferior has made it even to 2014. There are some people who think that this is not true but lets face it, its everywhere you go and everywhere you look. When i think of domestic abuse, I've never thought of a male being the victim of domestic abuse. I've always believed that male figures are the abusers since that's the way i saw things as i grew up. i saw it even in my own home when i was a young boy. however, while reading your blog it has me looking at domestic abuse in a different light. What we as individuals can do to stop stereotypes about domestic violence is honestly limited. Domestic violence has been around for many generations and people have stood up to stop domestic violence but haven't been very successful as you can see in the 21st century. What we as individuals can do to stop domestic violence is to make the right decisions instead of the wrong ones when it comes to relationships or family problems. Since we are the generation in which domestic violence thrives all we can do is control ourselves and hope that we'll be the better people and not stoop so low as to abuse our loved ones or anyone for that matter.
ReplyDeleteThanks for bringing this up :). Gave me a different way of looking at domestic violence.
I also really liked the point that brought up about males being abused too. This is not a shock to me because I have read and heard a couple of cases where wives beat up their husbands. In one of the cases i read, a wife slashed a man in Kenya with a machete while he was sleeping after he came home drunk. This in particular and a couple other cases have led to creation of men’s group whose aim is to protest domestic abuse to males. In the article, they also mentioned that excess drinking of alcohol is what causes domestic violence towards both genders. I think the reason as to why there hasn’t been many reported cases of domestic abuse to males especially in western countries, is because the male victims are afraid of coming out because they might be considered less manly. It is actually ironic to see how majority of domestic abuse is towards women yet most males always say ‘I will never lay my hands on a woman”. To answer your first question, I think the reason society always presumes men are the ones responsible for domestic abuse is because men are naturally stronger than females. The other reason as Berk mentioned before is that men are presumed more superior so they have control over women. Yes, we could do something to stop stereotypes in domestic violence but most importantly, we should look for ways of eradicating domestic violence. We can create awareness on the stereotypes in domestic violence and make people understand that both males and females can undergo domestic violence. Domestic violence is unjust and cruel and no one should have to go through it. Thank you for your wonderful blog post.
ReplyDeleteYou’re topic is so interesting. I like how you brought out the other side of the issue. To answer your first question, if we look at it realistically, men are mostly stronger than women. We as women are not shaped to have that kind of strength. Our own parents show this, when your mother does all the cleaning and your father does the hefty stuff. By viewing this we learn to follow these steps; I am a girl, so I want to be gentle like my mother and I am a boy, so I want to be strong like my father. So when you ask why we presume this, it’s because it’s what we have grown up to see every day and we apply these aspects to our own daily life. Most cases of abuse are by men, this is why they are always targeted. Many believe it is impossible for a man to abuse a woman. But abuse is not only physical and sexual, it is also emotional. There are women out there, who take advantage of this emotional abuse and it could escalate to physical abuse. Many of these men do not say anything, because who wants to say they got beat up by a woman. What we could do to stop these stereotypes is encourage men to speak out more. If one man breaks the ice for others, this situation could also turn into a world viewed issue. Discrimination does not only happen to one gender, but to all. An individual would believe what they are told from friends, family and most of all media. If we make information of this issues available where people spent most their time, we might see a change in this factor. However, it is not that easy to talk about this issue, which is why many men or women haven’t had their voices heard. Abuse is still abuse, like you said it is not right to ask the woman if she is safe when she is the abuser. There should be equal rights for both sides. Your topic really has people thinking. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI love your blog! This has to be one of the most interesting blogs I’ve read. Now onto the comment, I should be honest as well that when I first read ‘domestic violence’, I imagine a man abusing a woman. Even when I first had a quick look at your blog, I thought it was about how men abuse women. I think as a society we always presume that men are the ones responsible for any abuse because it’s the stereotypes that have engraved our minds. No matter how much an individual tries to change the view of people about a certain gender, the usual stereotypes are always going to be there. I also think the fact that people think that men have more strength then women makes them think that that they are the ones abusing. It also depends on the environment that an individual grows up in. Their view on this topic might differ if they have experienced different situations. Domestic violence is a systematic problem as it has been going on forever. It’s not impossible to stop domestic violence or the stereotypes, but there are only few measures that can be taken. To stop stereotypes in domestic violence, everyone needs to be aware of the fact that men can be abused by women as well and it’s not always the men who are the abusive ones in a relationship. More men like the one from the story you mentioned in your blog should come out and aware people through media about their spouse abusing them. Maybe if there are enough stories like these, people will think twice before only asking the women if they feel safe. It might change their view and help them take a different perspective on this topic. However , the most important thing that people need to realize is that domestic violence itself is bad, no matter who the abuser is.
ReplyDeleteAwesome blog ! :)
I believe that men are targeted according to society as the perpetrators for domestic abuse especially in the media. Every crime or police show particularly Law and Order SVU marks men as the abusive ones in the relationship. This show focuses more on rape cases and domestic abuse and more than 80% of perpetrators are males and victims are females. Only on those rare cases are the roles reversed. This puts a stigma around males how they are abusive ones in the relationship and the females need to be passive not to cause conflict. This may be true in some cases but it should not be generalized for all domestic relationships. This negative image prevents males who are domestically abused to seek help, like the guy from Tumblr. When he wanted to seek help and turn to therapists to resolve their issues the therapists were more concerned about the wife getting abused. People start questioning his masculinity how can your wife abuse you? You should take it you’re an man! These comments are not only degrading but also unfair for the male victims. Gender doesn’t permit to be treated in a certain way what can hurt women emotionally and physically can also hurt a man. To stop stereotypes regarding domestic violence we need to educate our people. Domestic violence towards men shouldn’t be neglected or treated as if it is shameful. Society needs to recognize that this is a reality for a lot of people and instead of silencing them they need encourage men and women who are victims of domestic violence to come out. Your screen shot got me interested to see what happens if I actually typed in Domestic violence against men. Even though I specifically typed in “AGAINST MEN” a lot of female articles came out meaning that violence against men wasn’t a commonly talked about theme. The only article that came up for me was http://mencanbeabusedtoo.wordpress.com/do-we-ignore-violence-against-men/ and its tiled Do we ignore violence against men? Clearly we do if even Google has more articles on female domestic violence. But it is a very interesting and shocking read so you guys should check it out.
ReplyDelete1) the only reason we assume as society that men are the ones to do the violence is because they are known as the "dominant figure" and stronger than females, which is not true sometimes. i have heard it many time that the wife hit her husband for very small reasons. for example like lillian mentioned that wife beat her husband for drinking. i have also heard that a wife killed her husband because he was drunk and he came late to home. It is very shameful that humans have to use violence in order to show their dominance in which we hear the news that men beat his wife for a very small reason or wife beats her husband for a very small reason.
ReplyDelete2) I think the only way we could stop this is by raising the voice against violence. The violence could be men doing against female or female doing against men. It will still be considered as violence. I think it is very hard for males to say that they got beaten up by their wife because in society they are thought to be the ‘’dominant figure’’ so I think it will hurt their ego if they say that they got beaten by women. But I think that there is no shame to raise your voice even if its hard for you to say it. People think that it is easy for women to say against men that they have beaten them because of the stereotype for women. I feel that no matter how hard it is for the male to say it, they should go against it by raising their voice.
I believe that society’s automatic reaction to an abusive relationship would be blaming the man with masculine attributes because he is probably stronger, louder, and most likely heavy handed. With these characteristics, it is easier for them to inflict any pain. Especially, if the partner is smaller and looks weaker than him, then other people see an abuse towards him as self-defence. Another main reason men are most likely to be blamed for an abuse is because of how the media portrays them. Most of what is reported on the news is on women being abused by their partners. We rarely see reports on men being abused. When this is the situation, society becomes persuaded that men are more abusive than women. I also believe that by raising more awareness towards this problem the stereotypes would eventually go away. In addition, if victims were more open about their stories instead of hiding because of the teasing they might get around their other peers then this will help stop stereotypes in domestic violence. On the other hand, as long as men are seen as more macho and more dominant in society, then society will always see men as more abusive in their relationships.
ReplyDeleteHi Uzma,
ReplyDeleteAmazing blog uzma. It was great that you bought up this topic. I totally agree with you. As for the answer for your first question I believe normally when most think of domestic violence, the picture of a women getting abuse always comes to mind because even today there are stereotypes in peoples mind of viewing the male figure to dominate over the female, just like berk said the “beliefs and ideas of men being superior and females being inferior” is pass on to this generation as well. I think, yes the western society has change immensely over the past few decades and has become modernize that they have an influence on the other parts of the world but other parts of the world still holds to their traditions and beliefs. And thus the male dominance over female still believed in this world. Now how the male dominance and viewing the males to be responsible for the abuse connect? Well some body once said “with great power come a great responsibility”. What I mean by this since our society gives the male this great power of being dominate over the female, our society view them as strong, aggressive and having no control over their emotions. So when there is an issue of abuse we automatically assume it’s the male’s fault. Now to answer you second question on how to stop these stereotypes in domestic violence. Hmmm, well personally I think if these stereotypes made it way to this generation, then it will still make it to the next. No matter how you try to stop it, it will still be there, even a little bit. It almost like trying to change spots on a leopard and yes maybe it may change due to evolution but that might take many decades. But however we can try to bring awareness to the people but posting blogs like yours, articles and photos on social media. So here is a video that tries to send the same massage as you. please do watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlFAd4YdQks
It's pretty funny how every time I learn something new it always come back in some way, shape or form. Yesterday in my law class, I had the opportunity to talk to a criminal defense lawyer who actually talked about domestic violence. But anyways, in my opinion, domestic violence is an underrated topic that can be compared to rape, not the acts, but the stereotypes around it. Most of the time people may think that it's always the male committing the act due to faulty beliefs and the brainwashing generation in which we have been raised in. I think because it's very rare to hear of such cases where the women is the abuser people automatically jump to conclusions. The sad part is nothing can be done to stop this. It's just about taking to time to educate people, raise awareness and void the ignorance surrounding the topic!
ReplyDeleteHey Uzma! Great topic i really like how you chose a very interesting and unique topic. Once i started reading your blog and read the word domestic violence i did think about women and children being abused by men. The awareness your blog provides is amazing and it has changed the way my mind interpretates the meaning of domestic violence. The answer to your first question that why is that the male or the more masculine figure is seen to be the abuser? is because that they are seen to have more strength over the other spouse. When it comes to males and females, the society thinks that the males are always more dominant and stronger than the women which makes the women a targeted victim. Females are always seen as the calmer, weaker and easily oppressed gender whereas the males are seen to be the more aggressive and stronger gender. I agree with you that gender does not determine that a person is an abuser or not as it depends on the mental state of a person and their surroundings. Another reason that comes to mind on why males are seen to be the abuser when it comes to comparison with females is that more reported cases are male domestic abusers. The reason behind this can be that being a male figure that is being abused would not report his case as he would feel ashamed because he is a man that got abused by women. The answer to your second question is that spread awareness on how domestic violence is not specific to gender. Gender based domestic violence statistics should be banned to stop people from stereotyping as more male domestic violators are reported than female ones. The society should not under estimate females even when it comes to anything may it be good or bad. Gender equality should be maintained.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your blog as it gave me a new way of thinking Thank you
I'm so happy that someone actually wrote about this! It's very true and it's been on my mind a lot lately! Domestic abuse is always affiliated with men even though there are reports saying that men and women have equal chances of getting abused and that they equally need psycological and mental attention. There are countless men in the world who would never even think of laying their hands on their women and countless violent women with anger management issues that would throw things around for the silliest of things. so why is it that men are always violent and women are always delicate flowers? The role of societal perception, media and traditional values were very well touched on in the previous comments so i would just like to give a big example of them in play. When Chris Brown beat up Rihanna, how did the world react? I'm still amazed at the fact that he's still alive and actually has supporters! Till now, Chris Brown's name is associated with domestic abuse. But just a while back, who remembers Beyonce's sister "Sharkisha"-ing Kayne in the elevator while Beyonce just stood there watching? It was the joke (see what i did there?) of the month! And people even started to throw suspicious looks at Kayne because it was probably his fault somewhere along the way right? Did it matter that the poor man got his life and dignity kicked out of him? Nope! Here we are a month later not seeing a trace of it going around. This is the world we live in.
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